You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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