oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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