as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
