we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
