i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
