I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
When did angry sex become our thing?
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Randomize
