she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Randomize
