When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize
