Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
accomplished twins. life is a go
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
