dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
