Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
