Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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