Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
