I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
you traded sex for a burrito?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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