i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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