I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
