And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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