totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
i drank out of a bidet.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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