She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
It's blow job season.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
