1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
