he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
