I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
