She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
