She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
