Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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