worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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