I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
