Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
