Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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