I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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