I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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