The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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