I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
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