there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
