glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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