well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
