remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I think your dad took our porno
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
