I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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