He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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