Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
It's rum buckets o'clock
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
