If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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