Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
