I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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