Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
