i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
