It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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