I checked into jail on foursquare
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
