im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
