My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Randomize
