Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
