I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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