That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
